Incompetence. Utter Incompetence.

— Early January 2014 —

2014 is going to our year.  I just know it.

 

After being approved by everyone and jumping every possible hoop, Jen/we are ready to go.  We now have to set up our meeting to sign the consents at the clinic.  (Again, inside my head I scream- this is really happening!)

 

This appointment requires all three of us to be there and go through all of the legal paper work etc with the clinic.  The clinic has now received our surrogacy contract from our lawyers, all of Jen’s blood tests back, her test results back, and our pysch evaluation/approval.  I called and booked us in for our appointment mid-January- the soonest they could get us in.  It has also been one month from the time the clinic got my anesthesia information from the hospital so they would have a plan in place for my egg retrieval. Fabulous.

 

This appointment didn’t come without a big old financial price tag.  One would think signing some forms wouldn’t break the bank.  Well… they’d be wrong.  For this appointment, we had to pay close to $2000.

 

The day after booking the appointment I get a call from the IVF nurse.  She is needing to change the appointment as whomever booked it didn’t book it with the right ppl.  Okay.  Frustrating as arranging these appointments so three people, with three different jobs, could all be there wasn’t easy.  But we would make it work.  She started listing off days and we finally found one that we could arrange to make work.

 

She then notes that she wants to go through the check list to ensure we have everything ready.  She rambles through all of our appointments and documents that she has received.  She then stops at Jen’s basic blood work.  They haven’t received it.  Ok… well she did it over 2 months ago.  I know cause I was on the phone with her when she was there.  The IVF nurse starts saying how we can’t move forward until we have everything.

 

Yes, we get it.  But we did the blood work.  Can she check again?  Nope.  Not there.  She then says if we don’t get it before the appointment we would, again, need to reschedule.  The next appointment however was another 3 weeks after the first one.  Well in Feburary.

 

You HAVE to be kidding me.  Ok, I call Jen all frantic and she then runs across the world to get her new blood requisition and get it done that day so we would have it all back.  It’s not like we have to work or anything… :S  We make it work.  She even texts me a pic of the needle in her arm for ‘proof’ so the clinic doesn’t say it’s our fault!  Again, Jen is my hero.

 

It’s weird being somewhat helpless.  Being able to run around and get everything sorted out yourself is one thing, but asking someone else to drop everything and run is another.  Especially after she is already agreeing to do the most selfless act in the world.

 

I call the IVF nurse back and say she did the blood work, it should be back in time, and we should be ready to go for the appointment.  Just before I hang up, I said that I’m looking forward to this cycle as having full anesthesia during the egg retrieval is going to make all the difference! 🙂

 

… she pauses….  uhhhhhh…. right.  We did get that back from the anesthesia clinic, she says.  Then notes that she is going to put that on the agenda for this Friday’s RE check in with the clinic.  WHAT?  It had been a month since they got the report and they haven’t done anything with it?

 

Perhaps the clinic missed the point where we wanted to get pregnant.  And we had already been trying for over 2 years now… Plus our schedule was now based on my and Jen’s schedule (aka our bodies!) so not having the right info on one day could make the difference between a cycle in February or March.

 

So frustrating…. Obviously upset I asked her if that was going to hold up this cycle.  She said that she didn’t know and would have the RE’s look at it this week.

 

Wonderful.

 

I get I’m impatient and excited to get started, but waiting around for the clinic to do their job wasn’t in my waiting plan.  Pissed, I call Dan and Jen to vent about their incompetence.  They both being me back sane-ish and tell me it will all work out.  Yes, this was alllllll going to work out.

 

 

….. Monday, after the above noted ‘Friday RE Meeting’, and 5 weeks after the clinic received my report …..

 

I called the clinic and asked to speak with the IVF nurse.  After the amount of money we have spent at this clinic, I’m anxious for answers re: the new plan for my egg retrieval.

 

She answers and assures me that the RE’s discussed my situation at their Friday meeting.  It was decided that another RE, one who’s cousin was an anesthetist, was going to take the lead on this one and find out what we could do.

 

Me:  Okay, did she have a projected time line for this?

Her:  I don’t know. It is now up to the other RE.  She is going to handle it.

Me: Okay, but did she think we could be on track for a February cycle start date?

Her: She didn’t know.  We would have to wait and see what this RE would come up with.

Me: I’m just frustrated now that you’ve had this info for over a month and nothing has been done.

Her:  We are working on it.  That’s all I can tell you.

 

Wonderful.  Just wonderful.

 

 

….. Monday, the following week after the above conversation, and 6 weeks after the clinic received the report ….

 

Another call to the IVF nurse.  I hadn’t heard from her at all with any updates so I called and left a message to see if there was anything I could do?  Any calls I could make?

 

She called back after a couple hours and said that there was no update.  Last she heard, the RE was going to talk to her cousin…

 

Me: Ok, did she have a time line?  Or even a meeting date with him?

Her: She didn’t know.

Me: Ok, is there a way to find out a projected time line?

Her: She didn’t know.

 

Fabulous.

 

Next week is our consent appointment and hopefully, meeting with our RE, we would get answers.

Bah. Humbug.

-Late Fall 2013-

The hurry up and wait mantra that is my life needs to take a hike. Like seriously, have we not waited enough?

After getting the official OK from the clinic on pysch, we had got the gold stars on several hurdles.  But several remained.  Each of which took, you guessed it, more time.  Everything was going fabulously with the testing and Jen, but I’m not exactly a patient person…

The To Do list was getting shorter though.  Jen had to go and get the never-ending panel of every blood test known to man done  to ensure everything was A-ok.  I needed to get an appointment for a consult by an Anesthetist due to the fact that the drugs for the conscious sedation for the last egg retrieval didn’t touch me.  If this plan for a gestational carrier worked out, I would need to do another round of IVF to harvest more eggs, inseminate them with Dan’s sperm, then put them into Jen.  That meant another egg retrieval for me.  And if there was one thing that I knew, it was that there was no way I could possibly endure another retrieval with no drugs.

We got the requisitions for Jen’s  blood, and I had a consult sent over to McMaster Hospital.  Now we waited for them to call me back.

In the meantime, it appeared that my entire newsfeed on Facebook decided to get pregnant.  Ultrasound pictures, posts about baby’s kicking, and baby showers were pure torture.  While I am sane enough to know that the chance that those people got pregnant and are posting those pictures and status’ solely to make me want to jump out a window was low, it didn’t matter.  I would come home from work and have a meltdown almost every day as someone new was calling us or posting about their good news.  The ones that really got to me were the ones who got pregnant when we started trying over 2 years ago, had their baby, and were now pregnant with their next one.  Yay for them (insert irrationally grumpy sarcasm here).

I desperately needed a break.  The problem, however, was that we had now spent over $60,000 on fertility treatments (with nothing but mental scarring to show for it) and we didn’t have a penny to spend on a ‘vacation’.  My family has a cottage in Muskoka, so Dan and I talked about trying to just get away there to relax.  The secondary problem was that Dan had just opened Pita Pit in the summer and couldn’t exactly just take off to the cottage for any number of days.  Cue another breakdown.

My parents, knowing a break was exactly what we needed, suggested an offer I couldn’t refuse.  My Mom goes to Barbados for work, and would be heading down there for a week the last week in November.  If I could get it off work and pay for my flight, I could bunk with her in her room, and she would cover the cost of my meals.  She would be working most the time, but at least I could relax beachside.  Really??  This was amazing!  Mom and I agreed this would be my baby-free vacation- a week where I could relax and just forget about everything else!

Dan and I figured out how to pay for the flight knowing how important and desperate I was for a trip.  I sent an email to my manager at work and noted that it was last minute, but was there any chance it would work?  He approved it!  I packed everything up and off I went.  The weather was gorgeous and the resort we stayed at was perfect.  Dan was at home working- and frankly a vacation without your husband isn’t wonderful- but this was still a week away from anything baby.

Day 2 of 8 my Mom hands me her phone while on the beach.  Someone from work was calling her about something, but wanted to say hi to me.  Sure- it turned out to be a good friend and I happily said hi!  He continued to talk and said that he wanted to share some news- he and his wife were pregnant.  He wanted to let me know before he told everyone at work so I wouldn’t find out through the grapevine.  So he called me in Barbados to tell me.  Thoughtful…. except I was supposed to be away from this all.  Plus, he already had 3 kids- come on!  I swallowed hard and congratulated him.  I was genuinely happy…. but devastated for me.  That was all it took.  I left the beach in tears and went back to my room to try to relax and enjoy the weather.  It worked, sort of.

By the next day I was calmed down again and ready to enjoy my vacation!  I unpacked several books and started some hardcore reading on the beach.  After dinner, I checked my email.  Another friend wanted to let me know about their wonderful news of being pregnant personally before they posted it on Facebook.  At least she wasn’t in the room as I burst out crying while I wrote a congrats email back. Yes, they will make great parents….  Recovery needed again.

A friend of mine lives in Barbados with her boyfriend, and I couldn’t wait to see them!  They had me over for a sleepover for a couple nights and ended up driving me to the airport to go home.  It was a perfect end to my trip and I was so excited to get to catch up.  After spending the afternoon together, we went for dinner.  After dinner, my friend looked exhausted.  She looked at her bf and said that she wanted to tell me, even though it was so early, as I was there- and she didn’t just want to email me when I got home.  They were expecting.

This is where I smile and congratulate them!…. Expect instead I turned into a blubbering idiot.  I have never been so embarrassed in my life!  I tried so hard not to cry.  So hard.  Instead I ended up crying on their couch after they told me the most exciting news of their lives.  When did I turn into this terrible of a person?  How could I do this to such great friends?  I apologized profusely and excused myself until I could at least fake pull myself back together.  When did I turn into such a pathetic, selfish, and terrible person?

I have never. ever. ever. been so embarrassed at my actions.  I tried so hard for the next day or so to make it up to them.  I just couldn’t control myself.  They forgave me and said they understood… but still.  Wow.  I’m an ass.

I flew home and had to tell Dan all about my depressed self and how 8 days of vacation turned into somehow 3 baby announcements.  We hugged and decided to focus on all of the great news we had moving forward with Jen.  This was going to work for us.

The next night we had my cousin and my parents over for dinner.  After dinner my cousin seemed to be dragging her feet in leaving until my parents left.  I got a pit in my stomach as I just knew.  Another one…. prepare myself for the incoming news. My parents left and she sat down on our couch to let us know her and her husband’s great news.  She was just 12 weeks and planned on telling the rest of the extended family at our family Christmas.  I held myself together until she backed out of our driveway and then I just collapsed.  She was the last person in the world we expected this news from.  Dan carried what was left of me up the stairs and got me into bed.  Anti-anxiety pills later, I could finally put words together.

But I LOVE Christmas.  LOVE it.  Obsessed with it really.  And now our family Christmas would be focused on baby talk.  I know, I sounds completely and utterly selfishly crazy.  But mentally, I didn’t think I could do it.  I just couldn’t go.  Maybe I’d get ‘sick’… I don’t know.  But with 2 weeks left until the party, I couldn’t do it and embarrass myself all over again a la Barbados. Dan said to wait it out, and we could talk about it another day.  With tears in both of our eyes, Dan held me until I feel asleep.

I ended up going off sick from work as I just could not seem to pull myself together.  All I could see each time I left my home was happy families, pregnant couples, and kids playing in the snow.  My solution was to stay in bed all day and drown my sorrows in my pillow.  The worst part was that I knew that everything regarding surrogacy was actually going well for us.  Yet I couldn’t seem to focus on the positives… just the negatives.

xmas

 

This Christmas was going to be a write off.  One to forget about and pretend it didn’t happen.

My obsession for Christmas had very quickly turned into social anxiety and a constant stream of negative thoughts.  No, I’m not happy so hurry up and get this holiday over with.

Under the Microscope

journeyThink of the most invasive question that someone could ask you… Now imagine ten pages worth of them.  Yep, I don’t think there’s a chance of ever repaying Jen back.

After our dinner together, I smiled and let Jen know that, guess what?? I already booked her an appointment to go to the clinic for literally the next week.

As it was her first appointment at the clinic, I wanted to go with her.  That meant she had to do a lot more planning than most for simple appointments.

Next came the forms… The clinic had handed me a form for Jen to fill out and bring with her to her first appointment.  I didn’t really look at much initially as we had to first sit down with each other to discuss all the logistics.  After the dinner, I actually had a look at the forms.  Ummm… Maybe I should have given her this thing right then and there.  It pretty much asked anything and everything.

I called her and warned her about the form.  Then I start reading the questions.  It started out innocent enough asking about her cycles- When did they start?  How many days do they last?  How is the flow?  For how long? Any pain?  What type of PMS symptoms, if any?

Then it moved on from there.  Us, being us, decided to fill it mostly out over the phone.  I’d BBM her the questions, she’d send back the answer.  The questions got more invasive the further through the form you got.  How many sexual partners in the last year?  Did any of them have an STI? Did any of them have a blood transfusion?  Did any of them do illicit drugs during this period?

How about you?  Do you use illicit drugs?  Do you, or have you been paid to have sexual relations with someone?  Do you, or have you exchanged goods for any sexual relations?  Do you smoke?  Smoke what?  How often?  Ever?  Where do you live?  Who with?  What type of water is your home one- city, cistern, or well?

The questions continued…  Most of which we just laughed at.  Seriously, if Jen was a closet prostitute or drug addict, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be asking her to carry our child.  But still, the fact that they ask all of the above means that someone, somewhere during this process answered yes to some of these questions… sketchy!

Back to Jen- Her pregnancies:  How long did it take for her to conceive?  Was she on any medications during the pregnancy?  How long did each pregnancy last? Any miscarriages? How long was the labour?  Vaginal or via C-Section?  With medications of without?  You get the picture.

Some of my favourite questions included, “Do you suffer from any nipple discharge?”  (Is that actually a thing?)  “Did the intended parents offer you any money or other goods in exchange for your services?”  (If I did, I don’t think she’d check yes… duh.  But no, fertility clinic, we are following the rules.)

The hardest part of the form was the section with basically a chart.  It had every medical condition or symptom you have EVER heard of and then had a chart to check off if you, your siblings, your parents, or grandparents had ever suffered from the following.  Well, the self, siblings and parents parts are easy… but add in a zillion questions involving 4 grandparents that you really weren’t intending on telling this whole story to until it was for sure, life gets a tad more complicated.

The chart was finally finished and we walked to the clinic the following week. We sat in the first waiting room chatting.  No one chats in the fertility clinic waiting room.  That is basically forbidden.  Screw it- we’d be through enough and I was breaking all of the unwritten rules.  We were just two best friends catching up on life.

We get called in and I stand up to go into the room with Jen.  The nurse kindly tells me that this was personal, and to wait in the waiting room.  Jen laughs and says, that I filled out most the form, so I can come.  Onwards we go into the little room waiting to be grilled.

The doc got there and asked a couple questions about who we were to each other, and how we got here.  He then said that we’d be going over a very detailed family, menstrual, sexual, health, and personal health history and asked me to leave.  Jen, again, said that I was more than welcome to stay.  I believe her comment was something to the effect of “If her baby is going to grow in me, then she needs to know what in this form too!”.  His eyebrow raised slightly, then said ok and we went over the entire form verbally.  Jen barely squirmed once under direct examination about her sexual and health history since the day she was born.  She deserved a medal.

Next he says is the pelvic exam- umm… Jen asked me what would be involved, I said just questions… she’s gunna kill me.  I winked and said that we’re close enough so I didn’t think I needed to see the inside of her uterus.  We agreed.  I waited back in the waiting room.

After a couple of minutes, and with everyone’s clothes back on, I got called back into the room.  They said that based on the information given today, they had a small concern about a family history item and that they wanted to refer her to specialist.  The theory here was that they wanted no additional risk put on Jen.  Fair enough, but we laughed that she had made it through 2 great pregnancies of her own…  Regardless, off to the specialist she was to go.

From there, the RE explained the process.  She was to do a whole pile of tests including a sonohystogram, a full panel of blood work, and day three blood work and ultrasounds to check on her hormone levels.  After all the above tests come back, along with the ok from the specialist, we could come back and review.  Then if she passed the test, we’d be on to step 2: the Pysch appointments.

I cannot believe this is actually happening!

My puppies.  They have nothing to do with this post.... but they do keep me sane. :)

My puppies. They have nothing to do with this post…. but they do keep me sane. 🙂

 

 

 

 

The Family Meeting

babyWell it’s official.  We are seriously thinking about surrogacy.

After our hearts stopped pounding, and we digested the ridiculous price tag attached, I felt this glimmer of hope.  Hope.  A word that I haven’t used to describe us in this situation for a very long time.  Hope that we will one day have a family of our own.

In our excitement after our appointment where we got approved, I got a little ahead of myself and actually booked Jen for a consult the follow week at the clinic.  She said she’s be interested in this… but it was technically pending a whole lot details getting sorted out first.  We called Jen and figured the best way to chat about this all was to meet and go over all of our concerns and questions.

From there a dinner date was set.  Milestones was the pick and we had about three days to try and compile all of the questions we could think of to discuss to make sure we were on the same page.  We had both done research independantly, but now it was time to sit down and actually work through how this would work.

We decided to make independent lists then go over them together at dinner.

Two days later, and one day before our dinner date, we had compiled all of the questions we could think of.  We scoured the internet for as much information and blogs to read about the process and the tough questions the clinic would be asking us.  I called Jen that night and told her our questions were done.  She laughed and said her were too…  We decided to exchange questions so that we could prepare and think about our answers before we actually met tomorrow.

It turned out about 90% of our questions and concerns were identical.  Ok good.  We are definitely on the same page.  Well, sort of.  We have the same worries, but we may not have the same answers.

I couldn’t sleep all night thinking about all of our conversations and trying to read what was really going through her mind.  I fully believed that she thought she was going to do this… but I kept waiting for the “it’s just too much” talk.  The very fact that she even offered to look into this is incredible… but the more we learned, the more complicated things got.  This was most definitely not just a simple offer.

I spent the entire day debating how tonight was going to go.  I called Dan even more than usual just to say hi and to ask him if he was nervous about tonight.  To him, this was like any other day.  To me, this was the biggest day ever!  I sometimes hate how nonchalant he can be about everything.  He just has this ‘everything will work out’ mentality.  I keep reminding him that so far, nothing has worked out.  But he still smiles and continues on.  When I don’t want to kill him for his continual positive outlook, I love him even more.

It was almost dinner and I started getting the butterflies in my stomach… I could not believe how nervous I actually was.  And more than that, I was internally freaking out that tonight was going to awkward.  Jen and I don’t do awkward.  In fact, I tell her everything- the good, the bad, and the very ugly.  But suddenly our friendship was about to be tested in the wierdest way yet and I almost felt it was a business transaction.

The three of us got a table and sat down together.  We ordered then both pulled out our lists… Jen and I expected that we would do all the talking.  But Dan, to our surprise, was right in there.  We figured, let’s do this.

We went down  our lists.  We started easy (ish).

Timing- what was she thinking? Did it matter?  Not really… she knew I didn’t want to wait another 12 years.

How many times do we try?  Three sounded like a good number. We could always change it later.

How many embryos do we transfer at once? One.  Less risky for Jen and the babies.

What doctor would we use (OBGYN)? Jen liked hers, but I want to deliver at the children’s hospital because of potential issues with a bleeding disorder.  We agree.  We’ll pick together but someone who works there.

Who would attend the appointments? We both agreed that we wanted it to be as if I was pregnant.  So if Dan would normally attend with me, then we’d both be there.

*Cue Jen nervously laughing here*… Uhhh, so I need to know.  Who will be in the delivery room- cause if Dan is, I need to start preparing for that now!  We laughed.  Yes, Dan wants to be there… if that works.  Dan pipes in- he has no plans to move from the head area.  Wonderful….!  LMAO

The questions continues with some basic stuff including life insurance, benefit plans, how expenses would work, how we’d like to pick lawyers, how the procedures would go, what medications did we think she’d be on etc.  I guess I shouldn’t have been that surprised.  We know everything about one another… and our answers were always on the same page.

I think the poor waiter got more than he bargained for if we was listening in on our conversations, but we just continued to fly through the questions and talk about all the logistics.  Insert a couple of hilarious and inappropriate jokes here and there… We were having a good time.  This was as far from awkward as could be.

We moved on to some of the harder questions.  The legality of everything.  We were well within the law doing this, but we also knew that once Jen gets pregnant, that any and all decisions about the baby were legally hers.  This brought us into difficult decisions.

Abortion- under what circumstances would we want to abort the pregnancy- Dan and I had had so many conversations about this.  All of the what if’s.  We knew that if something was wrong with the baby, it was still our baby.  We would have no intentions of ending the pregnancy.  We also knew Jen’s mentality was the same.  While this was a difficult conversation, it was an important one.  We all agreed that the only reason that we would consider termination of the pregnancy was if Jen’s life was in imminent danger.  Her health had to come first.  Ok, one hard one down… a couple to go.

Selective Termination- reducing the pregnancy if multiple babies- After the above conversation, we all knew we were on the same page.  We were only going to transfer one embryo, so the chances of multiples were very low, but we had to chat about it regardless.  Again, we agreed that the only way we would ever approach this was if Jen’s health was in imminent danger. 

Prenatal Testing- Dan and I knew that regardless of the results, we would want to go ahead and test the baby for potential issues.  Our rationale was that if we were to have a child with Down Syndrome, we would want to do the research ahead of time to learn as best as possible about our child.  Jen agreed.  But she was worried about the possible harm to the baby if we proceeded with an amniocentesis. This was something that she was not prepared to do.  To be honest, I think Dan and I, if we were in that situation, would need all the information we could get to make our decision.  But if this was her bottom line, this was not something that concerned us.  We respected this decision and agreed that under no circumstances would we proceed with an amnio. 

Ahhh… and my favourite.  Confidentiality- Who were we going to tell about all of this? I had just started writing my blog about a month before this meeting.  She knew that I was enjoying writing it and had an incredible out pouring of support from friends, family, and complete random people.  We decided that we would keep everything fairly under wraps until we actually decided that we were, for sure, going to be going ahead with this.  We decided that we wanted this pregnancy to essentially mirror exactly the same things that Dan and I would do if the baby was growing in my belly.  This would include belly pics and Facebook updates.  She was ok with this.  She was a little urked out by the idea of complete strangers knowing everything about her… so we decided to change her name on my blog.  This worked the best.  We agreed to a no-press rule.  Sounds silly, but as these things don’t happen all that often, they sometimes draw the attention of the media etc.  Nope, this was our arrangement- not something for entertainment. 

Dan was worried about what this might do to Jen and I.  We both laughed and said that was the lmarksast thing to worry about.  We’d been through some tough stuff, and we were confident that our friendship would make it through anything.  Jen wanted to talk about potential jealousy.  She had read a lot of blogs etc of woman having a hard time dealing with the other person being pregnant, not them.  I told her straight up that I hoped that wouldn’t be an issue- but at the first sign of turmoil, I’d be heading to counseling to work through everything.  We agreed.  We wanted to be as prepared as possible, but couldn’t anticipate everything.

After about two hours of laughing and joking about what we were about to get ourselves into, our dinners were finished, and so were our lists.  We had a good idea of the other persons concerns and worries… and felt like we were ok with moving one more step forward.  I told Jen about the doc appointment I booked and we made arrangements the following week to both go.

This was really happening….