The next week was a long, difficult week for us. We tried to process the idea of loosing something I’d always taken for granted- having a baby. I was home from work. This was both a blessing and a curse.
As time moved forward, and the longer I had been away from work, the more anxious I got about returning back. I was still very depressed, tired, achy, and wanted to sleep the day away. On the other hand, getting back to work would keep my mind occupied. Plus, I love my job. I kept telling myself I’d go back tomorrow.
Then the evening would hit and I would be so anxious my mind would be racing in circles. My job took my full concentration. What would happen if I went back and made a mistake? What if I missed something? There were potential negative consequences for others if I made an error. This thinking was enough to push me back into my cave of loneliness and I’d crawl back into bed for yet another day.
Days became a week, then two. I needed to go back. My calendar was fairly light for the next week ahead so thought it might be a good time to ease back in. I promised myself that Monday would be my first day.
Monday came, I made it to work, and nothing terrible happened. Tuesday followed, and I was back into the swing of things. Focusing on other issues made our problems fade into the background… at least during my working hours. Evenings I’d return home and feel lost at what to do next.
We had our WTF appointment at the end of the week. Dan and I talked daily about what questions we had, what we needed to understand, and what we had decided- we were done with trying. Our evenings turned into mini-counseling sessions. Dan and I would try to talk through everything focusing on what was next. (Ok, I talked through everything. Dan did a lot of nodding.) One thing we knew was that we couldn’t just jump into something else, we had to mend ourselves from this process first. Throughout the week we talked about next steps. We had decided to look into surrogacy as our next step, but the clinic didn’t know that yet. What would they say about our new plan?
The night before our appointment it occurred to me- I needed to completely change my way of thinking. Instead of focusing on ‘getting pregnant’, I know had to focus on ‘making a family’. At one time, those meant the same thing. However, now, I knew they were two very separate things. Getting pregnant was only one solution. Changing this mindset would take some time, but thinking about things this way made me feel like there was some light at the end of the tunnel.
This wasn’t the end, this was just the end of trying ourselves. More importantly, this was about the be the beginning of a whole different story. Our story.
WTF Appointment Day:
Dan and I pulled into the clinic and gave each other the ‘we can do this’ smile. We held hands and walked through the door. This past year and half may have beat us down, but we made it through. One thing was for certain, our marriage had never been stronger. If we could make it through this, we could make it through almost anything.
We sat down with our RE and he said he was sorry about our disappointing news. He then started into how he was going to change our protocol for the next round in hopes that it would take significantly less time to get my body to produce follicles (eggs). I kept trying to jump in but he continued on and on about different medications we could try to help etc. Finally, I stopped him. I asked him to back up.
Why didn’t it work? What went wrong? Was it me? Was it the embryos? He simply shook his head. Science had come so far, and the doctors and scientists knew so much about everything before you actually put the embryos inside me. Once they were inside, we just had no idea what went wrong. There was no medical answers. It could be my body rejecting the embryos, it could be something wrong with the embryos, or it could be simply bad luck.
Then I just came out and said it. We were done. We simply couldn’t do it anymore. It took an entire year straight to do only 4 cycles (when most people would get to do 12). The emotional, physical, and financial toll was just too heavy. If the doctor didn’t have any reason why it wasn’t working, then what would change if we did it again? My body was simply revolting at the idea of carrying a child. No matter what we did, my body seemed to protest it.
I then told him about Jen’s offer of surrogacy and said that we were interested in exploring this option further.
He just shook his head. What kind of surrogacy he asked? We were thinking about Jen being a gestational carrier. This meant that it would be my eggs, Dan’s sperm, and her uterus. The child would have no DNA connection to Jen, we would ‘simply’ be using her body as an oven.
He took a deep breath and shook his head again. This was not a simple process he explained- had we looked into it? Did we know what it entailed? And if we wanted to do it, we would still be required to make eggs again which was one of the most difficult parts last time. He explained that while our clinic was one that would work with surrogates, that all of the docs would have to agree that Dan and I made good candidates. This was not a simple hurdle and was not decided on lightly. In order for the clinic doctors (the 5 of them) to approve us for moving forward with surrogacy, they would basically be saying they felt there was virtually no chance of us being successful by ourselves. He wasn’t sure if we met that criteria yet…
I was stunned. I had thought that we had figured out the perfect option to move forward with. We had someone who was willing to investigate the process further. We were with a clinic that would work with gestational carriers, and fertility treatments were simply not working for us. And now the doc was all but saying no? I was crushed.
I asked him if he felt that Dan and I could conceive. He said that there was no medical evidence at this time telling him that we could not. I asked then if there was therefore medical evidence that we could? He looked at us thoughtfully… and slowly said no.
He said, “In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to worry about the costs associated with these treatments. If we were in Holland or even Quebec, these services would be covered by the government and we would like to do three fresh transfers. Once a couple has done three fresh transfers and was not successful, it was at that time that the clinic would say that we were unable to conceive.” We had done one fresh transfer, and two frozen transfers plus an attempt at the less invasive IUI. Not exactly his formula above, but it also wasn’t like we hadn’t given it our all.
The doc sat there in silence for a minute then said, “I know that your situation is very unique. We have had issues at every step of the way and we know that you are not a typical infertile couple. Let me think about this a little more and I will take it to my team to discuss. We will discuss if we feel you are appropriate candidates for surrogacy and get back to you.”
Defeated, I nodded. We shook his hand and left the clinic. I finally thought that we had an opportunity to move forward… and now we were in exactly the same place we were a year and a half ago (only thousands and thousands of dollars poorer).
When we were going to get a break? It appeared my ideology about this being the beginning of a new story for us meant nothing. This looked like it was simply going to be the end.