Bah Humbug- Part 2

— December 2013 —

It seems that every single person in my life now has a new born or is expecting one. The Christmas posts on Facebook continue and I keep asking myself when I turned into this bitter person?

Normally, most people that meet me would choose a variety of words to describe me – high energy, won’t stop talking, bubbly, hyper – but not bitter. Yet, even I know that I have gone from being an upbeat mid-20’s girl to a bitter, ungracious wreck.

Now, some of you are now thinking… ‘Well she’s been through a lot. It’s understandable.’ Well let me enlighten you – here is a glimpse into some of my worst moments as a human being. It wasn’t pretty.

Refusing to leave my office at work for fear of talking to someone… pretty much anything these days ended in a rant about how terrible my life was, how I had no money from fertility, and how we were never getting a child.

An example of me at my lowest…
I had joined the local gym and was attending with my Sister in law and a good friend. We did this in an effort to get fit, have fun (Zumba!), and enjoy some time out of the house. Yes, a distraction was needed. One evening after a work out, we headed back to change room to clean up before going home. In it were a couple of women chatting about whether or not they should have another baby. Keeping my head down and trying my very best to get out of there before I opened my mouth, I scurried to get my runners off and my coat on. Alas, I couldn’t do it in time. Cue one woman saying, “You know, I was nauseous… not for 3 months, but for almost 9 months. Now that is enough to make sure you take your birth control.” That was it. I turned around, grabbed my coat and said loud enough for them to here- “Boo-F*cking- Hoo” and left. My sister-in-law’s eyes almost popped out of her head. She not so gently pushed me out of the change room in a hurry. Classy Adele, classy.

Posts on Facebook continued… now, anyone and everyone that has a child is so excited about having their kid at Christmas. Pictures and quotes about how Christmas ‘isn’t Christmas’ until you see it through the eyes of a child, children’s Christmas concerts, and matching outfits were enough to make me crawl into bed for weeks.

Dan did his best to force me out. And worked on talking me back into our Family Christmas celebration- normally the highlight of my Christmas season. Was I being irrational? I was so terrified that the pregnancy announcement would turn into baby talk for the rest of the evening. I knew that I wasn’t great at keeping my ‘outbursts’ in lately, and the last thing I wanted to do was to make a fool of myself at a family Christmas. Nope, my bed was a much safer place.

Dan staged a mini intervention. Christmas was my favourite part of the year. It always has been and I start planning for it in August each year. Yes, this year was harder, but think of the progress we are making with surrogacy! We would hopefully have our little one in our arms by next Christmas! Ok, he had a point. I DO love Christmas. I love buying gifts I know everyone will love, I love decorating, singing carols… Maybe I just needed to be careful at certain events and allow some breathing room between me and Facebook. Yes. Plus, I was so excited for my cousins’ pregnancy- they would make great parents! I was not going to ruin this.

Head up, shoulders back, and tears stored at least one layer deeper, I was going to make it through Christmas.

bitter

I attended each Christmas celebration. Smiled nicely at those with protruding baby bellies, coo’ed at the newborns, and kept my shit together until getting in the car home each night. And I did enjoy most of them. They ended with a woe is me pity party at the end, but only Dan got to see those.

Frankly, looking back, I’m shocked Dan didn’t either have me committed or throw my ass out. But he didn’t. He hugged me tighter and tighter. Feeding my anti-anxiety pills when needed, and talked me back into reality. This man is indeed a hero. And if this isn’t true love, then I don’t know what is.

Christmas flew by without any major hitches…. We spent time as a family, gave gifts, and tried to give my head a shake and be grateful for the countless blessings we did have. Yes, blessings. The month of December was harder than some for focusing on the good, not the bad. But January was coming.

January meant the final medical clearance (hopefully!) for Jen to be our surrogate. This also meant the results from my appointment with anesthesia at McMaster so we would know how to proceed with the sedation around egg retrieval. This meant we could literally be pregnant by February… and baby by November! Things were happening. As quick as we could make them. A Churchill baby was certainly at the end of this long trying and bitter saga.

Bah. Humbug.

-Late Fall 2013-

The hurry up and wait mantra that is my life needs to take a hike. Like seriously, have we not waited enough?

After getting the official OK from the clinic on pysch, we had got the gold stars on several hurdles.  But several remained.  Each of which took, you guessed it, more time.  Everything was going fabulously with the testing and Jen, but I’m not exactly a patient person…

The To Do list was getting shorter though.  Jen had to go and get the never-ending panel of every blood test known to man done  to ensure everything was A-ok.  I needed to get an appointment for a consult by an Anesthetist due to the fact that the drugs for the conscious sedation for the last egg retrieval didn’t touch me.  If this plan for a gestational carrier worked out, I would need to do another round of IVF to harvest more eggs, inseminate them with Dan’s sperm, then put them into Jen.  That meant another egg retrieval for me.  And if there was one thing that I knew, it was that there was no way I could possibly endure another retrieval with no drugs.

We got the requisitions for Jen’s  blood, and I had a consult sent over to McMaster Hospital.  Now we waited for them to call me back.

In the meantime, it appeared that my entire newsfeed on Facebook decided to get pregnant.  Ultrasound pictures, posts about baby’s kicking, and baby showers were pure torture.  While I am sane enough to know that the chance that those people got pregnant and are posting those pictures and status’ solely to make me want to jump out a window was low, it didn’t matter.  I would come home from work and have a meltdown almost every day as someone new was calling us or posting about their good news.  The ones that really got to me were the ones who got pregnant when we started trying over 2 years ago, had their baby, and were now pregnant with their next one.  Yay for them (insert irrationally grumpy sarcasm here).

I desperately needed a break.  The problem, however, was that we had now spent over $60,000 on fertility treatments (with nothing but mental scarring to show for it) and we didn’t have a penny to spend on a ‘vacation’.  My family has a cottage in Muskoka, so Dan and I talked about trying to just get away there to relax.  The secondary problem was that Dan had just opened Pita Pit in the summer and couldn’t exactly just take off to the cottage for any number of days.  Cue another breakdown.

My parents, knowing a break was exactly what we needed, suggested an offer I couldn’t refuse.  My Mom goes to Barbados for work, and would be heading down there for a week the last week in November.  If I could get it off work and pay for my flight, I could bunk with her in her room, and she would cover the cost of my meals.  She would be working most the time, but at least I could relax beachside.  Really??  This was amazing!  Mom and I agreed this would be my baby-free vacation- a week where I could relax and just forget about everything else!

Dan and I figured out how to pay for the flight knowing how important and desperate I was for a trip.  I sent an email to my manager at work and noted that it was last minute, but was there any chance it would work?  He approved it!  I packed everything up and off I went.  The weather was gorgeous and the resort we stayed at was perfect.  Dan was at home working- and frankly a vacation without your husband isn’t wonderful- but this was still a week away from anything baby.

Day 2 of 8 my Mom hands me her phone while on the beach.  Someone from work was calling her about something, but wanted to say hi to me.  Sure- it turned out to be a good friend and I happily said hi!  He continued to talk and said that he wanted to share some news- he and his wife were pregnant.  He wanted to let me know before he told everyone at work so I wouldn’t find out through the grapevine.  So he called me in Barbados to tell me.  Thoughtful…. except I was supposed to be away from this all.  Plus, he already had 3 kids- come on!  I swallowed hard and congratulated him.  I was genuinely happy…. but devastated for me.  That was all it took.  I left the beach in tears and went back to my room to try to relax and enjoy the weather.  It worked, sort of.

By the next day I was calmed down again and ready to enjoy my vacation!  I unpacked several books and started some hardcore reading on the beach.  After dinner, I checked my email.  Another friend wanted to let me know about their wonderful news of being pregnant personally before they posted it on Facebook.  At least she wasn’t in the room as I burst out crying while I wrote a congrats email back. Yes, they will make great parents….  Recovery needed again.

A friend of mine lives in Barbados with her boyfriend, and I couldn’t wait to see them!  They had me over for a sleepover for a couple nights and ended up driving me to the airport to go home.  It was a perfect end to my trip and I was so excited to get to catch up.  After spending the afternoon together, we went for dinner.  After dinner, my friend looked exhausted.  She looked at her bf and said that she wanted to tell me, even though it was so early, as I was there- and she didn’t just want to email me when I got home.  They were expecting.

This is where I smile and congratulate them!…. Expect instead I turned into a blubbering idiot.  I have never been so embarrassed in my life!  I tried so hard not to cry.  So hard.  Instead I ended up crying on their couch after they told me the most exciting news of their lives.  When did I turn into this terrible of a person?  How could I do this to such great friends?  I apologized profusely and excused myself until I could at least fake pull myself back together.  When did I turn into such a pathetic, selfish, and terrible person?

I have never. ever. ever. been so embarrassed at my actions.  I tried so hard for the next day or so to make it up to them.  I just couldn’t control myself.  They forgave me and said they understood… but still.  Wow.  I’m an ass.

I flew home and had to tell Dan all about my depressed self and how 8 days of vacation turned into somehow 3 baby announcements.  We hugged and decided to focus on all of the great news we had moving forward with Jen.  This was going to work for us.

The next night we had my cousin and my parents over for dinner.  After dinner my cousin seemed to be dragging her feet in leaving until my parents left.  I got a pit in my stomach as I just knew.  Another one…. prepare myself for the incoming news. My parents left and she sat down on our couch to let us know her and her husband’s great news.  She was just 12 weeks and planned on telling the rest of the extended family at our family Christmas.  I held myself together until she backed out of our driveway and then I just collapsed.  She was the last person in the world we expected this news from.  Dan carried what was left of me up the stairs and got me into bed.  Anti-anxiety pills later, I could finally put words together.

But I LOVE Christmas.  LOVE it.  Obsessed with it really.  And now our family Christmas would be focused on baby talk.  I know, I sounds completely and utterly selfishly crazy.  But mentally, I didn’t think I could do it.  I just couldn’t go.  Maybe I’d get ‘sick’… I don’t know.  But with 2 weeks left until the party, I couldn’t do it and embarrass myself all over again a la Barbados. Dan said to wait it out, and we could talk about it another day.  With tears in both of our eyes, Dan held me until I feel asleep.

I ended up going off sick from work as I just could not seem to pull myself together.  All I could see each time I left my home was happy families, pregnant couples, and kids playing in the snow.  My solution was to stay in bed all day and drown my sorrows in my pillow.  The worst part was that I knew that everything regarding surrogacy was actually going well for us.  Yet I couldn’t seem to focus on the positives… just the negatives.

xmas

 

This Christmas was going to be a write off.  One to forget about and pretend it didn’t happen.

My obsession for Christmas had very quickly turned into social anxiety and a constant stream of negative thoughts.  No, I’m not happy so hurry up and get this holiday over with.