— December 2013 —
It seems that every single person in my life now has a new born or is expecting one. The Christmas posts on Facebook continue and I keep asking myself when I turned into this bitter person?
Normally, most people that meet me would choose a variety of words to describe me – high energy, won’t stop talking, bubbly, hyper – but not bitter. Yet, even I know that I have gone from being an upbeat mid-20’s girl to a bitter, ungracious wreck.
Now, some of you are now thinking… ‘Well she’s been through a lot. It’s understandable.’ Well let me enlighten you – here is a glimpse into some of my worst moments as a human being. It wasn’t pretty.
Refusing to leave my office at work for fear of talking to someone… pretty much anything these days ended in a rant about how terrible my life was, how I had no money from fertility, and how we were never getting a child.
An example of me at my lowest…
I had joined the local gym and was attending with my Sister in law and a good friend. We did this in an effort to get fit, have fun (Zumba!), and enjoy some time out of the house. Yes, a distraction was needed. One evening after a work out, we headed back to change room to clean up before going home. In it were a couple of women chatting about whether or not they should have another baby. Keeping my head down and trying my very best to get out of there before I opened my mouth, I scurried to get my runners off and my coat on. Alas, I couldn’t do it in time. Cue one woman saying, “You know, I was nauseous… not for 3 months, but for almost 9 months. Now that is enough to make sure you take your birth control.” That was it. I turned around, grabbed my coat and said loud enough for them to here- “Boo-F*cking- Hoo” and left. My sister-in-law’s eyes almost popped out of her head. She not so gently pushed me out of the change room in a hurry. Classy Adele, classy.
Posts on Facebook continued… now, anyone and everyone that has a child is so excited about having their kid at Christmas. Pictures and quotes about how Christmas ‘isn’t Christmas’ until you see it through the eyes of a child, children’s Christmas concerts, and matching outfits were enough to make me crawl into bed for weeks.
Dan did his best to force me out. And worked on talking me back into our Family Christmas celebration- normally the highlight of my Christmas season. Was I being irrational? I was so terrified that the pregnancy announcement would turn into baby talk for the rest of the evening. I knew that I wasn’t great at keeping my ‘outbursts’ in lately, and the last thing I wanted to do was to make a fool of myself at a family Christmas. Nope, my bed was a much safer place.
Dan staged a mini intervention. Christmas was my favourite part of the year. It always has been and I start planning for it in August each year. Yes, this year was harder, but think of the progress we are making with surrogacy! We would hopefully have our little one in our arms by next Christmas! Ok, he had a point. I DO love Christmas. I love buying gifts I know everyone will love, I love decorating, singing carols… Maybe I just needed to be careful at certain events and allow some breathing room between me and Facebook. Yes. Plus, I was so excited for my cousins’ pregnancy- they would make great parents! I was not going to ruin this.
Head up, shoulders back, and tears stored at least one layer deeper, I was going to make it through Christmas.
I attended each Christmas celebration. Smiled nicely at those with protruding baby bellies, coo’ed at the newborns, and kept my shit together until getting in the car home each night. And I did enjoy most of them. They ended with a woe is me pity party at the end, but only Dan got to see those.
Frankly, looking back, I’m shocked Dan didn’t either have me committed or throw my ass out. But he didn’t. He hugged me tighter and tighter. Feeding my anti-anxiety pills when needed, and talked me back into reality. This man is indeed a hero. And if this isn’t true love, then I don’t know what is.
Christmas flew by without any major hitches…. We spent time as a family, gave gifts, and tried to give my head a shake and be grateful for the countless blessings we did have. Yes, blessings. The month of December was harder than some for focusing on the good, not the bad. But January was coming.
January meant the final medical clearance (hopefully!) for Jen to be our surrogate. This also meant the results from my appointment with anesthesia at McMaster so we would know how to proceed with the sedation around egg retrieval. This meant we could literally be pregnant by February… and baby by November! Things were happening. As quick as we could make them. A Churchill baby was certainly at the end of this long trying and bitter saga.