Now, as I said previously, Dan wasn’t initially a big fan of this whole idea. So I asked (read: forced) him to answer a couple more questions in order to try and get an idea of what was running through his head during this time:
Q: Your first reaction to the idea of surrogacy was that it wasn’t for us, can you explain your initial concerns?
A: That just sounds WEIRD! No one actually does that. Sure, I thought we would have to try some different procedures to attempt to get pregnant, but this just seemed odd.
Q: When we made the decision to sit down and discuss the positive and negatives of surrogacy and adoption, what were your thoughts? Were you surprised at the final decision?
A: Going into the pros and cons, I thought for sure I would have way more Pros for adoption as I have always thought adoption would be a great way to fulfill our dream of starting a family. Once we actually got into it, there are many many hurdles you have to get over before you can even think about adopting a baby. I was also shocked at the criteria you have to meet to adopt from most countries.
Q: What were two things that surprised you most about surrogacy/gestational carriers?
A: I was shocked with how detailed and specific the legal side of the agreements are. It makes sense but it goes into detail about EVERY little aspect and possible circumstances that could come up.
The other thing that surprised me was regarding payment. Although I knew that legally, in Canada, you can not pay a surrogate/gestational carrier, I didn’t know it is actually illegal to even buy her flowers while she is in the hospital- as it’s considered a ‘gift/payment’.
Q: What are your biggest concerns or apprehensions surrounding this decision?
A: Although Jen is a very close friend (basically family), I would never want her to feel responsible if anything beyond her control goes wrong.
Q: But seriously, Adele’s best friend is going to carry your kid…. How are you going to explain this to friends and family?
A: The people who matter in our lives are very supportive. Also, the more people we share this idea with, I find they are more curious than anything else.
* * * * *
Choosing to build our family with help from a third party obviously isn’t an easy decision. We have been plagued by impossibly difficult moral and ethical decisions along the road. Decisions that we, quite frankly, had never dreamed of having to make.
I’m not quite sure what the right answers are. And I know that there are tons of nay-sayers out there- about fertility treatments, about IVF, about freezing embryos, and now about involving a third party. Sometimes I feel the need to defend our decisions to others. Sometimes I just want to laugh and say what others think doesn’t actually matter.
Ultimately, one of the most important things that we have learned through this process is this wonderful quote:
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”